Seth Lakeman gig

FINALLY after only 2 years of trying I managed to see little ole Seth in concert. Whoop. And he was really HOT, I mean I loved his performance...boy he can fiddle and sing! He certainly knows how to get my toes a tapping. 
I tried to see him at Glastonbury(Ironically I was actually there), I tried to see him at the ITunes Festival, I tried to see him at The Minack (I love the Minack!), I tried to see him at the Union Chapel in Islington... unavoidable prior commitments every single time! Apparently it's bad form to miss the hen do or the wedding if you’re a bridesmaid...

Why-oh-why people have to arrange hen weekends and weddings at the exact same time Seth is doing a gig I may possibly be able to go to I don't know. Do my friends check with his manager before planning such dates? This time I was determined, despite the fact that I had a wedding to go to, I bought two tickets as soon as it was advertised and then realised it was the same day as the wedding, in Guernsey... oh well... the concert was great...

:0)

Despite my state of attendance as a very snotty and sick puppy it rocked! Thank you K for coming with me and making it on time despite all odds.

In other news, A has no memory of the Christmas party after 10pm, and was mortified today when I mentioned her behaviour... she apologised profusely and we made it into a joke. Twt still can’t talk to me at work. I’ve come to the conclusion, considering his own admission, he is painfully shy about 'relationships' and 'private matters' that he really can’t handle talking to me because of the connection we had. We communicate fine by email but put us in a room together and he makes like a clam. Which makes him:

• a) disappointing
• b) immature
• c) sad
• d) destined to be alone FOREVER (said in my best Dr Evil voice)

I’m successfully fighting my urge to fix him.

Drink is evil...

This leads me right into the news that my flatmate has joined the AA, and I don’t mean she bought breakdown cover. She called them on Monday and has now got a sponsor/buddy who will help her, she has her first meeting on Saturday at our church. An odd coincidence that I managed to persuade her was a sign that she should definitely go. We shall see... Her sudden decision was prompted by her family’s repulsion at her behaviour and general state at the family wedding in Guernsey. Apparently my family and my disappointment and disgust with her behaviour in Turkey has also hit home. (I’m amazed we didn’t have to bring her back in a body bag) She had even been thinking about what S had said to her, S being the 60 year old friend of the family, D had made her goal to piss her off as much as possible on the holiday. Now that was something I never expected, she’d painted S out to be the wicked witch of the west and really didn’t see her behaviour towards her unreasonable despite my protests. It really was quite nasty. But hopefully things are on the up!

I have one day left at work before I finish for Christmas. How pleased am I?! A hell of a lot, that’s how much. It’s been a really tough year: the collapse of the economy; multiple redundancy interviews; pay cuts; friends being made redundant; friends moving to different offices, friends moving to different continents; friends having breakdowns; being mugged and assaulted; a significant boyfriend who chose a job over me. There have of course been good times and believe me they where good. But all in all a year I’m rather pleased to see the back of.

Onwards and upwards. :0)

not a nice feeling after all

Ever had those days where you wish you could be totally anonymous? Well I just experienced a similar feeling.

Someone who I know fairly well, A, who I was out for girls drinks with on Monday, just looked straight through me as if she didn’t recognise me at all. It was vile, it cut me to my core. That friendly little look and chat that you get from your friends was replaced with a stare of nothingness, no, more than that, it was a look of disgust, a look of why are you trying to get my attention I don’t know you, fuck off.

Ok let’s set the scene...

Monday:

Drinks with A and N. It’s a really lovely night with lots of catching up and sharing of life. N is off to the states with her BF who’s just moved in with her; life’s good; jobs bad; future plans for change. The problems that A’s been having with her BF (they own a flat together) seem to have got much better and she’s much happier with him now he gives her more space; wants to move jobs in the new-year; jealous that her best friend has a new best friend . N lets slip that I fancy someone/something happened with someone in the office, and A immediately guessed it was D, she claims she saw the way we were looking at one another. She also went on for a good while about how gorgeous he is, and how he’s such a lovely person, and how she knows him really well, she stressed all this a little too much, so much so that I comment that it was odd at the time... and joked about it.

Step forward to Thursday night (tonight):

Office Christmas party; 80’s themed; free drink and the booze is flowing until the wee hours. The guy D, from the office is there, (let’s call him tw*t from now on) as is the girl (who used to work in the office way back when) who he dated for a while and who supposedly fucked him up (office gossip bad things blah blah)... We’ve been chatting by email because he’s paranoid about office gossip as it almost destroyed him before... Now I’ve been telling myself he just doesn’t like you that way and just used you for 18hrs of talking intimately, snuggling, hugging and snogging; I really see the whole story about the ex as an excuse... or rather ‘he’s just not that in to you’. But still it was a great evening and you can’t help but think that you might get another great evening like that again one day. Hey I have a vivid imagination what can I say...

The evening was lots of fun, chatting with my lovely friends, eating, drinking and lots of dancing as the night went on... I wanted to go over and say hi but he was talking to directors and gesticulating wildly, having fun. I said a brief hi when I arrived but had to go take the big fur coat off as it was making me melt. That was my opportunity lost to chat; thinking back I hope he didn’t think I was running away from him... whatever. My problem is I want everyone to like me, I can’t stand the thought that someone doesn’t. My friend (IH) who’s going through some personal dilemma at the moment turned up drunk (urgh) and immediately lost her bag (forgot where she’d put it) which I found after she’d done lots of crying and worked herself into a right state. I have to babysit her when she’s like that, and she isn’t very pleasant to be around, so the evening turned a little sour. I don’t even know why she was there! My lovely friends all left just as she arrived so I felt compelled to stay as she’d turned up, I wanted to leave. I sobered up very quickly, although to be fair I can drink gin till the cows come home...

A had been talking to twt (D) for ages and was monopolising him completely, anyone who tried to join in their conversation was ousted immediately (I witnessed this with other people so it wasn’t just me). I had to go passed them to get to the toilet and was made to feel most unwelcome when I said hi. I really got the feeling that she was claiming ownership of him. It was really strange. I definitely got a ‘back off look from her’, a girl knows that look when she sees it; it was very territorial and really quite shocking.

A lives around the corner from me, and I noticed that everyone else going that way had left already, I was going to ask if she wanted to share a cab with myself and IH, but given my previous encounter I thought better of it. I left with IH to get a cab and had been waiting a while, feeling bad that I’d just left A there to get home on her own. I was about to call her to make sure she was ok, when I noticed a group of people heading towards us that looked like twt, A and a few other people from the office. A was really unsteady and was falling all over the place. I thought now would be a good time to see if she wanted to share a cab. None of them acknowledged me, even though they where brushing passed me, I figured it was because of the wig and the fact that people hadn’t been recognising me all night. And of course drink might add to the confusion (even though I’d been speaking to people all night) as they did I tickled A’s arm to get her attention, she looked me right in the eye with a look of disgust and carried on walking, along with twt. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face, really, really hard. I guess I was expecting a ‘hey’ of recognition or even an acknowledgement...

I know A has been having some serious difficulties with her boyfriend, whom she lives with, it was the first party she’d come to without him, I got the distinct feeling that there may be something about to be going on with D, I didn’t think she would, but then who knows, how well do I really know her after all?

I really can’t be doing with this, it's boring and annoying and stupid. Why can’t life be less complicated?

And yes I’m done with that one now. I really can’t be bothered any more. I hope she didn’t tell him what she knew, given his paranoia, and if she did I hope she tells him she guessed and not that I told her. I don’t like people thinking bad of me, thats natural right?!

I texted her in the cab on the way back... to see if she was OK and to explain I was trying to get her attention to see if she wanted to get in our cab... and also to mention that I thought she’d given me a really strange look, as if she didn’t recognise me. It really feels uncomfortable to me, because I’m open and easy to read, I don’t hide myself from people, so when someone I know looks into my eyes and doesn’t see me at all, it really hurts.

She hasn’t replied to my text, I don’t know if she will, but I guess I’ll see her at work on Monday... I might even say hi. I hope she gets home safely. And I really hope nothing bad happens.

cat in a hat... or rather half in a box...

Firstly might I say that cat is not that fat, it's just from a very unflattering angle. Although it's quite true he's somewhat bigger than the box he's trying desperately to fit inside.

I met a friend for hot spiced cider at the pub tonight; or rather she turned up late downed half a drink and had to rush off to show her flat to possible new flatmates. Within 7 minutes I was deserted, left with only the boys from work for company and the tall ginger oddball for whom I have a fondness (purely platonic I can absolutely assure you). There is a highly amusing story about the GO, which I’ll most definitely share with you one day... Which reminds me, I was struck today by the funny observation that I find oddness in men attractive. When I say oddness I don't mean three heads and a penchant for wearing ladies underwear... although there was one guy... but a kind of shy awkwardness. For some reason it melts my heart and makes me go gooey.

I have a crush on someone at work, which after a lovely evening, followed by a lovely day followed by a paranoid over-reaction, has returned more or less back into the little crush it was before. It’s quite nice to smile to oneself and think: hey he’s lovely and very sexy... yum yum I don’t expect it to turn into something and I don’t have an all consuming desire to seduce him. It’s just nice listening to him humming away at his desk and just thinking, hey there are really sweet guys out there... (even if this particular one has major issues to deal with) It’s a shame, it really is, but I’d rather like to get to know him just a friend. I think he’d make a rather cool friend...

I’m on that internet dating thing again. It’s just so...‘urgh’ I really can’t be bothered... bad sign I know...

I keep getting emails telling me my perfect match is so and so, who’s generally 3-5 years younger than me and works in IT. Sigh. Great, just because I happen to like Sci-fi, graphic novels and know how to switch on a pc I get paired up with men who still live at home, whose best friend is their PC and who think MacDonald’s is a restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, I really hope they’re happy, but they tend to be a little, er, wet. I also like theatre, opera, long walks by the sea, being silly and laughing until I feel sick, jumping off mountains at sunset, meditating and thinking about spirituality. I like a discussion, I like an equal, I like someone that can take me on and not look at me with puppy dog eye’s waiting for permission to kiss me. If I’m interested you’ll know I want you to kiss me, believe me, you’ll know... and if you have to ask then chances are I don’t!

its a cats life

Today was lovely, AND the rain kept off.

:0)

The sermon was about listening. My flatmate said she found this great because, she said, I don't listen to her, instead I try to fix her. I found this mildly amusing and somewhat insulting. I could never try to fix her; I don't ever do things that I know I'll categorically fail at; I don't like to gamble because there's a chance you can loose, I prefer the sure thing. I consider and assess and then I do take the path of least resistance.

Whilst I love my flatmate dearly, I know that only professional help can even begin to unravel that one. I'm insulted because a good part of my evenings are spent listening, she is so highly strung she reacts negatively to any stressful situation and I listen to this, a lot. I give her space when she withdraws because she becomes edgy and impossible to speak to. She can be rather self focused and is so absorbed in her own world that I'm sure she has no idea or cares to of what anyone else is going through.

The irony is not lost on me that I don't recall the last time she actually 'listened' to me.... but then I acknowledge that we're all trying to survive life in our own unique way and I try not to lay blame or guilt on people for not behaving how I would prefer them too. I don't consider my ego to be that large.

She snapped at me moments ago for not telling her I was going to the church supper, to which she had been invited and to which she'd refused to say if she was going to or not, despite them asking everyone because they needed to know numbers. I said I was going, she refused to answer. Whatever. She ran off from church straight after the sermon, I assumed she was tired or sick (which is her default not coping mechanism). Almost as soon as I got home she fell asleep on the sofa, when I left she was on the phone. I fail to understand how she feels it was my responsibility to remind her that I was going to go...

I also have very little patience left. It's worn very thin after 2years of constant use, and whilst I feel quite guilty for feeling this way, I am more important to me than she is, that is the simple way that it has to be, what's more I shouldn't need to justify it. I've had moments in my life where I've sacrificed my own health and spirituality for the benefit of others and have learnt the hard way that I have to be more responsible to my self.

Space the final frontier...

Moving swiftly on... the supper was lovely, really good fun, I got to know a few more people a little better, and took a couple of little sock munkee's I'd made for A and S who had been chatting to me about chimps earlier in the day.

S is researching chimp placenta (I didn't dwell on that aspect her knowledge much)... so had some quite facsinating storys to discuss, she's lived in some pretty remote areas of africa reseaching and studying chimps and their genetics so is quite the expert. And A well, I liken him to a new born labrador puppy, he's a little unsteady on his feet and hasn't the confidence that he should, but he's adorable, I suspect he may well be an under encouraged child genius. His fascination for learning and his wide ranging knowledge is impressive and very endearing.

All in all a lovely day, mainly, I think because I was away from negetive energies for most of it...

don't poke peoples bottoms

I had a most excellent day today, well in all fairness, a most excellent evening with K. My day was hectic in a non entertaining kind of way. The work I'm doing isn't challenging, and so my brain disengaged again, and I found the work was doing itself. That's not to say I don't love my job, because most of the time I do, and in all honesty, occasionally, it's nice to daydream a little safe in the knowledge that your work will still be above par.

The evening was spent at the east London Design Show which was full of the usual delights and of course the opening night free bar... always a danger that the purse strings may loosen somewhat after a glass or two of red. Or perhaps that was the intention...

I bought a few things and snaffled an assortment of free calico bags, always a winner. On waiting in line at the ladies loo, we where invited to go down to the art show in the basement, the kind lady waited for us and led us down a maze of unsigned corridors to an under ground cavern of 'art', I use the term art loosely here. The spaced was quite spectacular though, it was as though the show had tunnelled its way into the ground to create a basement that wasn't there a few weeks previous. Some of the art was so ridiculous, it reminded me of an end of year crit. I'm still not convinced that it wasn't, there where several 'artists' that I was tempted to mark as failing the year and have them resubmit next year.  At one point I was snorting (oh yes really) with drunken laughter in an empty room wondering when exactly I stepped through the looking glass in to a truly strange and bemusing reality... I was only looking for the toilet.

The picture above is from a sweet little Japanese key holder that I treated myself too... apparently it shouldn't be used as a dumb bell, in an armed robbery or inserted up the bottom.  I'm fairly relieved they warned me, that could have been one hell of a night...

mobile talk

I woke up groggy eyed wondering if I could blog from my phone...

As you can see it works... with limitation. The option to add photos and links appears to have slipped off the screen as does the option to alter the text style and such.

I'm also resisting the temptation to write in short hand which really only amounts to u instead of you and perhaps a 2 instead of to/too on occassion. I resist because nothing is more irritating than unintelligible text...

Actually the instablity of the nokia phones is just as irritating in the world of mobile chat. I was always a nokia lover-the extra functionality, the sexy little phones...but enough is enough.

I'm heading at speed towards an i-phone. Many of my friends have crossed over... I have 5months left of this contract and then... I'm joining the i-gang like everyone else.

I choose a widescreen tv,underfloor heating, facebook, seasonal organic food homedelivery, online french clothing stores, cleaners, i-phones...I choose life...

sparkly scattered sunbeams

Today has been filled with random thoughts. My work isn't very challenging at the moment, very busy, but highly unimaginative... and so my mind switches to an alternative reality whilst my work is done on automatic pilot. The auto pilot even managed to organise a mince pie bake off at work for next week... I must remember to keep an eye on AP from now on. 
I've been contemplating spirituality and life a fair bit of late, in an attempt to be a little more... not anything in particular, just to be more.
 

I joined a church. Well let me get this straight, it's not for any specific religious reasons; I believe in the evolution of man, that the bible is a story book and think that God is perhaps just another name for hope and enlightenment. I'm probably not what you would assume of a church goer... but the Unitarian Church isn't your average kind of church. It promotes a liberal and all encompassing view of spirituality; everyone is welcome; everyone is treated with respect and understanding because of their uniqueness and the individuality of their own spiritual beliefs. 

It all began with a miscommunication in arranging breakfast with Mr Big (another story), leading to a chance meeting with a friend of his and an unexpected four hour discussion about life and spirituality over coffee. As per usual it had been something that I had been considering, I've meditating for a while and contemplating retreats and such, but what I was really looking for was the sense of community that the church brings. My failed catholic upbringing taught me to strongly reject the strict condemning hell-fire approach to spirituality, how can anyone grow within themselves when their beliefs are founded on fear?

I'm feeling rather calm. Rather happy, with an underlying and accepting sense of who I am. It's quite comforting; it leaves me with a warm fuzzy glow. Even little annoying things that might have built into something frustrating seem very insignificant, and whilst I might discuss such minor irritations I find that they really don't bother me at all. Other things are far more important.
 

Sunday has become a me-day. A day for acknowledging, accepting, connecting, listening, provoking discussion and baking... lots of baking...

the view from the balcony

I was casting my eye over the various blogs that I follow, and have followed sporadically over the past 4 or so years; real everyday amazing friends, friends flung far across the world, blogging friends that I have no real sense of.

It struck me that I rather miss it; the randomness of writing down a moments worth of thoughts for someone else to happen upon. Just putting it out there.

I read back over a few posts, a few old blogs and laughed at myself. At my inane and consuming need to control the layout on the page, to control the thread of each post; at how lost I was. To be fair, I began blogging in an attempt to self-help. It was an experiment in purging and dealing with events that had been boxed away for too many years, so much so that the tower of boxes was teetering, dangerously.

A place that is very foreign to me now and yet feels very familiar. It’s not a holiday destination that I’ll re-visit, I know myself better now, a knowledge that is continuously growing and puts me in a much stronger, happier place. But still, a very relevant part of the journey.

So this is going to be a 'new' blogging me, a fresh, less structured, less formulated blog... With photos from my week, I think, it would be good to look back and catch a glimpse of a moment in my story.