not a nice feeling after all

Ever had those days where you wish you could be totally anonymous? Well I just experienced a similar feeling.

Someone who I know fairly well, A, who I was out for girls drinks with on Monday, just looked straight through me as if she didn’t recognise me at all. It was vile, it cut me to my core. That friendly little look and chat that you get from your friends was replaced with a stare of nothingness, no, more than that, it was a look of disgust, a look of why are you trying to get my attention I don’t know you, fuck off.

Ok let’s set the scene...

Monday:

Drinks with A and N. It’s a really lovely night with lots of catching up and sharing of life. N is off to the states with her BF who’s just moved in with her; life’s good; jobs bad; future plans for change. The problems that A’s been having with her BF (they own a flat together) seem to have got much better and she’s much happier with him now he gives her more space; wants to move jobs in the new-year; jealous that her best friend has a new best friend . N lets slip that I fancy someone/something happened with someone in the office, and A immediately guessed it was D, she claims she saw the way we were looking at one another. She also went on for a good while about how gorgeous he is, and how he’s such a lovely person, and how she knows him really well, she stressed all this a little too much, so much so that I comment that it was odd at the time... and joked about it.

Step forward to Thursday night (tonight):

Office Christmas party; 80’s themed; free drink and the booze is flowing until the wee hours. The guy D, from the office is there, (let’s call him tw*t from now on) as is the girl (who used to work in the office way back when) who he dated for a while and who supposedly fucked him up (office gossip bad things blah blah)... We’ve been chatting by email because he’s paranoid about office gossip as it almost destroyed him before... Now I’ve been telling myself he just doesn’t like you that way and just used you for 18hrs of talking intimately, snuggling, hugging and snogging; I really see the whole story about the ex as an excuse... or rather ‘he’s just not that in to you’. But still it was a great evening and you can’t help but think that you might get another great evening like that again one day. Hey I have a vivid imagination what can I say...

The evening was lots of fun, chatting with my lovely friends, eating, drinking and lots of dancing as the night went on... I wanted to go over and say hi but he was talking to directors and gesticulating wildly, having fun. I said a brief hi when I arrived but had to go take the big fur coat off as it was making me melt. That was my opportunity lost to chat; thinking back I hope he didn’t think I was running away from him... whatever. My problem is I want everyone to like me, I can’t stand the thought that someone doesn’t. My friend (IH) who’s going through some personal dilemma at the moment turned up drunk (urgh) and immediately lost her bag (forgot where she’d put it) which I found after she’d done lots of crying and worked herself into a right state. I have to babysit her when she’s like that, and she isn’t very pleasant to be around, so the evening turned a little sour. I don’t even know why she was there! My lovely friends all left just as she arrived so I felt compelled to stay as she’d turned up, I wanted to leave. I sobered up very quickly, although to be fair I can drink gin till the cows come home...

A had been talking to twt (D) for ages and was monopolising him completely, anyone who tried to join in their conversation was ousted immediately (I witnessed this with other people so it wasn’t just me). I had to go passed them to get to the toilet and was made to feel most unwelcome when I said hi. I really got the feeling that she was claiming ownership of him. It was really strange. I definitely got a ‘back off look from her’, a girl knows that look when she sees it; it was very territorial and really quite shocking.

A lives around the corner from me, and I noticed that everyone else going that way had left already, I was going to ask if she wanted to share a cab with myself and IH, but given my previous encounter I thought better of it. I left with IH to get a cab and had been waiting a while, feeling bad that I’d just left A there to get home on her own. I was about to call her to make sure she was ok, when I noticed a group of people heading towards us that looked like twt, A and a few other people from the office. A was really unsteady and was falling all over the place. I thought now would be a good time to see if she wanted to share a cab. None of them acknowledged me, even though they where brushing passed me, I figured it was because of the wig and the fact that people hadn’t been recognising me all night. And of course drink might add to the confusion (even though I’d been speaking to people all night) as they did I tickled A’s arm to get her attention, she looked me right in the eye with a look of disgust and carried on walking, along with twt. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face, really, really hard. I guess I was expecting a ‘hey’ of recognition or even an acknowledgement...

I know A has been having some serious difficulties with her boyfriend, whom she lives with, it was the first party she’d come to without him, I got the distinct feeling that there may be something about to be going on with D, I didn’t think she would, but then who knows, how well do I really know her after all?

I really can’t be doing with this, it's boring and annoying and stupid. Why can’t life be less complicated?

And yes I’m done with that one now. I really can’t be bothered any more. I hope she didn’t tell him what she knew, given his paranoia, and if she did I hope she tells him she guessed and not that I told her. I don’t like people thinking bad of me, thats natural right?!

I texted her in the cab on the way back... to see if she was OK and to explain I was trying to get her attention to see if she wanted to get in our cab... and also to mention that I thought she’d given me a really strange look, as if she didn’t recognise me. It really feels uncomfortable to me, because I’m open and easy to read, I don’t hide myself from people, so when someone I know looks into my eyes and doesn’t see me at all, it really hurts.

She hasn’t replied to my text, I don’t know if she will, but I guess I’ll see her at work on Monday... I might even say hi. I hope she gets home safely. And I really hope nothing bad happens.